My holiday is your genocide

We have a two dear friends, R & T (a couple recently married but together longer than I have known them). They will not be coming to our Pre-Thanksgiving party. Over the last year they have made an effort to avoid all holiday parties. I did not understand the reason for this but did not push the matter.

At a friend’s party Saturday night I cornered  R and asked him if he would come to a party at my house on 11/15. He said sure and we left it at that. I sent out my Evite Sunday night before heading off to bed. Come Monday morning I thought more about it and decided I had put R in a bad position. I sent him a short email explaining how much I would like to see him but that he should not feel obligated to come.

He responded with a well written letter letting me know while he respected my desire to celebrate the holiday, he would not. This is a small part of his response:

Thanksgiving is a day in which European colonists, under the banner of religion, destroyed the Moorish and American Indian to make way for slavery, the blood of these races flows through my veins – my ancestors.

Ok, Wow. I mean most of our conversations are about how the job is going, how much time he gets to golf, what he has been cooking/eating. This is not the kind of dialog I usually get. I read this email Monday morning. I was unable to work for a good half of the day. Pretty much all I got done was a response to his email and I started to write this post.

Now this is his perspective. I do not share it; but that is because I don’t think I truly understand it today. What I do understand now is that he and his wife (and their unborn daughter) stand together against the current of western culture, their friends and family. I was astounded by the difficult path they have taken. It seams like being a pebble that decided one day not to tumble with the current of the stream.

It is common that we assume we understand our friends and family. We believe they come from common backgrounds with common life experiences. While our spiritual beliefs differ it is easy to assume one understands the differences. I know not to ask my Jewish friends to take part in a Christmas celebration. We don’t serve pork to our Muslim guests. Society has prepared me to deal with these differences.

I now realize I do not understand my friend. His email now allows me respect his decision and navigate socially; but I am not able to understand his belief. I need to understand the people around me I care about. It is important to be able to engage those close to you and understand the fundamental beliefs that help them plot the course of their life.

I have been too complacent. Religion and spiritual beliefs should not be ignored conversations. Who cares how your golf game is; where is your soul headed. What are you doing to improve your life now, how do you feel about it, how can I help.

How can I help.